Stop plaguing my mind. Stop inundating my brain and giving me premonitions of the future. A future I'm not sure exists. Homework has been my reliever. My drug. At school, when I'm taking notes, when I'm eating lunch carelessly with my friends, when I'm day dreaming about him, I'm perfectly fine. But the minute I sit on the bus, worries clog my mind and blind my eyes. They're the daggers that distort the perpetual thump, thump, thump of my heart. When I'm alone (which is almost always), I begin thinking of this dark unknown. When I'm off to college, what will I be studying? will my parents remember me? will i make my parents proud? will I even get in? Every week, the same hours ensue: I wake up. I go to school. I come home. I do my homework - my door shut from any sounds from inside. I eat dinner with my family. I'm back into my room. For the past weeks, I've only been seeing my mom for 2 hours every day and those hours are spent her yelling at me and me backfiring at her. Not good. My mom
is was my style guide, my guidance counselor, my best friend. And I miss her. And I think she's realized that too. She's quit work to spend more time with me. But I feel like it'll never be the same again. It's all my fault. For some reason, I always manage to screw things up with her. I can never make any decent conversation and I frown and I scowl. I want to cure myself from this unspoken illness, but I don't know how. On top of that, my faith is down-falling. For my birthday, I'm buying myself a Jac Vanek "Faith" bracelet, in hopes that every time I glance at my right wrist, I'll remember to think of God and the blessings He's bestowed upon me. It's just that sometimes I forget. Actually, it's just sometimes I'm not sure. Not sure of anything.
So, please, go away negative rebukes. Stop making me miserable. Stop making me lose my hair. And stop making me hate the world.
P.S. - I read an article of the newspaper to relieve stress. She (oops, I forgot the author) said to always mention something positive when it happens. And she said to exercise. I'll try that. Hopefully, my blog won't just be a bunch of teenage-angst rants.