Advice I wish I would take...

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take on single breath for granted

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
And never settle for the pat of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'l give fate the fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance, I hope you dance"

Vicariously through Lee Ann Womack, my 6th grade teacher had written those words down to us, the graduating class, before we stepped out of elementary school. Now, five years later, I type as a coward. The girl who never listened. I never took this advice: I let that dance with the class slip out through my fingers. I brushed against him instead of speaking. I stood up for my brother that was being a bullied like a corpse who had apathetically returned to life. I condescended myself before anyone could say anything bad to me. And yesterday. Yesterday, when I had the chance to sit out or dance, I chose to follow my listless "friends". I chose to shut up, nod, and hope for some Savior to take me out. Because, despite what my heart was telling me to do, I sat out. I sat out and never danced.

a recap of my birthday

I groggily opened my eyes to look aside at my alarm clock: 7:30 AM. Sunday, December 19. I skimmed my room, hoping to see a wrapped present, a gift bag, or just something to remind me of the past pleasures of my birthday. Nothing. Go back to sleep.
Three hours later, my dad tiptoed into my room to grab the heater; my sister, however, stayed in my room, jumping on my bed, singing "Happy Birthday". I couldn't help but smile. Her jokes, which would have turned me off any other day, were the incessant reminders that I wasn't forgotten. On a day this special, my name in anyone's lips sounded beautiful.
I got up, went to the bathroom, and well, brushed my teeth. I could see nothing different in the mirror. There still stood the same pale girl with wavy tresses, thick eyebrows, and the gray circles beneath her maple syrupy eyes. Nothing had changed.
As I walked downstairs, I couldn't help but feel a rush of nervousness. As inane as this might sound, but I was stepping downstairs as a 17 year old for the first time in my life. It felt kind of...awkward...kind of sad. I turned the corner, and was greeted by a set table (my favorite Panera bread bagels with Hazelnut cream cheese), three neatly packed gift bags, the pink tissue papers clouding above, and a family who immediately began to sing and cheer. I don't think my smile had ever been this big before. I tried to act inferior, and slid into my mom and dad's arm. My brother took pictures..and gosh was that the most truest smiles I had ever seen.
I carefully unwrapped every present and they were all just perfect. Everything meant something to me. Every card was a scribble of familiar handwritings...handwritings I could never forget.
The day went by pretty quickly. I went to the mall with my family...on a giant shopping spree. I felt like the center of attention as I picked out cute cardigans, shoes, and tops. Anything you want jaan, my dad had said. 
I got calls from three of my best friends in the world. Best friends I haven't seen in forever. I suck at long distance anythings. It felt good to relive the old times.
And now...now it's all over. I don't know if it's only me, but I feel like birthdays are the perfect times of years. Times where I am happy, times when my family seems to love me, times when my past reconnects. I don't know why that is? Maybe, it's because every birthday is just a step closer to death. It's a step closer to a world you're about to leave. But maybe. Just maybe, a birthday is a day to celebrate and thank. A day to thank God that He didn't take us (or me, or you) away like He took away thousands of kids this year. A day to thank God that we didn't have to face rape, or abuse, or neglect. That we're still happy to be alive.
I love birthdays with all my heart.
364 days left to thank God and to ask Him to give us another year.  

In the car ride

"You know. You have to live with the fact that you and everyone else and everything else is growing up. You can't just stop time." My dad told me, his eyes weary as I saw them through the mirrors.
"Well...yes, you can." I insisted. Suicide? Death?
"No..." he whispered to himself, yet I caught his words sliding under his breath. "You can't."

since making lists makes me feel a little better...

...this is what I got to do by [hopefully, crossing my fingers] today.

• Finish chapters 12-14 for The Kite Runner and answer questions.
• Finish Calc study guide; study for chapter test on Monday. 
• Study estar + ado/ido [present progressive?] for Spanish for quiz on Monday.
• Read chapters 18-20 for Cather in the Rye.
• Study for the AP Chem test: make flashcards, do practice equations, and look over homework.
• Study for the Physics unit test. Memorize formulas?
• Go over my flashcards for chapters 13-16 to study for the multiple choice part of AP US. Outline the first half of chapter 17. 
• Do SAT homework: write essay plus do the math packet by 4; go to SAT class.

Oh, and note to self: remember to pray. Pray to get this all done, pray for happiness, pray for gratitude, and pray for success. 

Note to self #2: Turning 17 tomorrow. Remember your last day as a 16 year old with happiness.Find out what surprise MS [best friend] has for me :)

Note to self #3: Yesterday was amazing. Treasure that moment.

EDIT.
What I've accomplished in 8 12 24 hours:

• Finish chapters 12-14 for The Kite Runner and answer questions.
• Finish Calc study guide; study for chapter test on Monday. 
• Study estar + ado/ido [present progressive?] for Spanish for quiz on Monday.
• Read chapters 18-20 for Cather in the Rye.
• Study for the AP Chem test: make flashcards, do practice equations, and look over homework.
• Study for the Physics unit test. Worksheet on friction. 
• Go over my flashcards for chapters 13-16 to study for the multiple choice part of AP US test. Outline the first half of chapter 17. 
• Do SAT homework: write essay plus do the math packet by 4; go to SAT class.

Um. Can you call that a fail? SUCCESS. 

But good better news, I haven't felt the urge to slap myself across the face yet...woo hoo :)

Today was almost perfect.

As the snow prickled on my face and the gusts of wind swept back my hair, I could feel the tears gliding down my face. They formed on the corners of my eyes - warm and moist. I entered the warmth and the comfort of my school, took off the layers of clothing, only to turn around and bump into him. He caught me by my arm before I stumbled.

"Hey."

"Hey." I replied. My mouth expanding into a smile.

"Hey are you -  are you okay?" He bent down. His face stood inches from mine.

"Ya. I'm fine," I laughed nervously. "Why?"

"Are you sure?" He furrowed his eyebrows in genuine concern.

"Ya, I'm sure." I frowned. Was something wrong? 

He sensed my uncomfort and understood.

"Oh. Okay." He smiled now. My heart raced. "It's just that, it's just that I thought you were upset."

"Huh?"

He let go of his grasp on my arm, and moved his fingers gently to the corner of my eyes, moistening his fingers with the previous tears. He raised his eyebrow. 

"The weather." I replied, smiling larger. Hoping he would touch me again.

"That's what I thought." He laughed and came down again, gently kissing me on the place my tears were drying. 

I stood there, dumbfounded, as he weaved his fingers with mine, and took the first steps. 

Letter

Dear Thoughts,

Stop plaguing my mind. Stop inundating my brain and giving me premonitions of the future. A future I'm not sure exists. Homework has been my reliever. My drug. At school, when I'm taking notes, when I'm eating lunch carelessly with my friends, when I'm day dreaming about him, I'm perfectly fine. But the minute I sit on the bus, worries clog my mind and blind my eyes. They're the daggers that distort the perpetual thump, thump, thump of my heart. When I'm alone (which is almost always), I begin thinking of this dark unknown. When I'm off to college, what will I be studying? will my parents remember me? will i make my parents proud? will I even get in? Every week, the same hours ensue: I wake up. I go to school. I come home. I do my homework - my door shut from any sounds from inside. I eat dinner with my family. I'm back into my room. For the past weeks, I've only been seeing my mom for 2 hours every day and those hours are spent her yelling at me and me backfiring at her. Not good. My mom is was my style guide, my guidance counselor, my best friend. And I miss her. And I think she's realized that too. She's quit work to spend more time with me. But I feel like it'll never be the same again. It's all my fault. For some reason, I always manage to screw things up with her. I can never make any decent conversation and I frown and I scowl. I want to cure myself from this unspoken illness, but I don't know how. On top of that, my faith is down-falling. For my birthday, I'm buying myself a Jac Vanek "Faith" bracelet, in hopes that every time I glance at my right wrist, I'll remember to think of God and the blessings He's bestowed upon me. It's just that sometimes I forget. Actually, it's just sometimes I'm not sure. Not sure of anything. 

So, please, go away negative rebukes. Stop making me miserable. Stop making me lose my hair. And stop making me hate the world. 

Please.

Love,

AA

P.S. - I read an article of the newspaper to relieve stress. She (oops, I forgot the author) said to always mention something positive when it happens. And she said to exercise. I'll try that. Hopefully, my blog won't just be a bunch of teenage-angst rants. 

Holden Caulfied would be pissed.

So, in my simple and terse words, I say to you: people are phonys. They all suck. Big time.
There are these two girls I know in my grade. Yes, we all know they're smart. Yes, we all know they're hard working. Yes, we all know they're (or will be), the 4.5s or the 2400s. Heck, one of them is already on a steady relationship. So, yes, they're perfect. Then, why the heck do we have to hear it from you guys all the time? Because I'm sick of it.

Honestly, their rudimentary talks ensue as follows:
Girl 1: Like, oh my God. I just failed my AP Chem test! [emphasis on the AP]
Girl 2: Oh my God, Girl 1. I don't think you did! You're so smart and talented.
Girl 1: No, I'm not smart! Girl 2, you're the one that tries harder and is taking harder classes.
Girl 2: Well, Girl 1, you're the one who has the highest GPA in the class!
Girl 1: Well, not for long! After I fail this AP Chem test, I'll drop down to an A.
Girl 2: It's okay! That won't happen to you.
Girl 1...

And there, I stop, because all of this hurts to type. I can still hear their shrilly voices ring in my ears. I can still see their laughs and their condescending eyes look down at everyone in the room. Oh no, they didn't. 


Ugh. It just infuriates me the fact that these girls bring my self esteem down a whole notch. Last year, they were both in my math class. In an area they thrived in, I struggled. I would be content with an 80 on a test whereas their 92 would just be pure terror and sheer embarrassment. A 200 on the PSAT wasn't good enough for them. Last year, I lost a whole bulk of confidence I had gained through my 9 years of school. Because of them, this year, I vowed I would switch out of their classes ASAP and would keep our relationships a mere nod or an occasional smile in the hallway. Everything unfolded well in the beginning. My grades were satisfactory and my friends were just perfect. However, right there, in the back of my mind, I still have their words playing around my head; their words that are holding me back after every step I take.

Honestly, these girls are pretty nice. But to me, they're just big bullies. And it pisses me off that I'm not as strong enough.